Monday, February 28, 2011

I'm a liar and people still reward me.

This will be a Two Part Post.
Part One:


So, first I need to reveal a little something about myself I didn't reveal in my previous post.
Logic has never come naturally to me.
This was especially true in my childhood years. Every event was just another crazy adventure in:
~Amanda Land.~ 
I'm sure this is probably true for most writers. But I thought this would help explain my post. By all accounts my last post was completely true except for one lie. If some things seemed far fetched to you, remember it was my teenage interpretation. Yes, I had a WILD imagination.


  • QUIRK: Yep, I talk to animals. Present tense. I also talk to inanimate objects. Sadly, objects and animals don't always talk back. I guess they have a tendency to be shy. Before high school I would swear to you they DID talk back. Though...lots of things talked to me. But that's a whole other post-
  • I was a member of the FFA. And I did just join for the animal aspect but I enjoyed it thoroughly even if I was the only "tree-hugging", "*salad-shooting" member surrounded by red-meat eating farm boys! ;)
  • ANNOYING HABIT: (according to my parents collecting animals is a less than redeeming quality) Yes, I had two roosters-named Bonnie & Clyde- though I swore one was a girl until she started crowing. I had a goat named El Gigante that we lived in fear of. (Big horns) I had a lamb named Cheecotah who was very forgiving when I was learning the fine art of shearing. And yes, I actually did have a duck but sadly, his time with me was so temporary due to a friend's terrible wolf dog, that I don't remember his name. Dogs, cats and rats don't even complete the list! Guinea Pigs, MICE (wow, did you know they breed like friggin rabbits?!?!), a sparrow, gerbil, hamsters, fish...and the infamous rabbit. LIE: But I have NEVER OWNED A COW.
  • Since the majority of my animals were brought into the family on the sly or rescued from a terrible fate, I was met with the stink eye when I said I wanted a rabbit to show at the fair. This was the reasoning behind the goat and lamb. And of course it was educational since it was through school...but unlike the other FFA students when showing farm animals, when I was approached by a potential buyer for my critters I replied with, "Step away from the GOAT." My parents knew the animals were for keeps.
  • SECRET: I caught a "wild" rabbit. These rabbits were at a public park where they were fed by humans and this particular rabbit was very much with child. So she was pretty slow. There was a sign at the entrance of the park that I chose to ignore, something along the lines of: Please Do NOT take rabbits off premises. 
  • Maybe it was the combined trauma of being captured and having a thunder storm the same night that caused her to go into labor and scatter miniature rabbits all over the bunny enclosure. And mama bunnies have this weird quirk where they feel like eating their babies will protect them from outside dangers. Mama bunny: "Quick my darlings! Back into my tummy before the lightening strikes you all DEAD!" Of course when my young, teenage mind beheld this scene these factors did NOT fit into my logic. No, my logic went more like this: BLOOD! STORM! Obviously this can not be an ordinary bunny! Obviously this is a psychotic, homicidal, cannibalistic, MONSTER BUNNY! (I won't torment us any more with scary, scary bunny pictures. You're welcome.) I think this is one of my BEST CHARACTER TRAITS, my lack of normal logic, because who wants to be normal?? But my family would probably rather see it fit into ANNOYING HABIT CATEGORY.
  • So I will put this into my BEST CHARACTER TRAIT: Yes the rabbit bit me. And even though I knew being bit by this MONSTER RABBIT on a STORMY NIGHT could NOT end well for me. I also knew I couldn't let those little guys meet the same fate as their siblings. All moms are gifted with this character trait, I know, but my maternal instinct is strong to a fault. I protect anything that can not protect itself. I even save spiders. I always root for the underdog. And I save all the small mammals who fall victim to big mammals even when I know it is hopeless and even though I know I will spend the next day or two stressing over how to keep it alive and get attached and then cry when it inevitably dies. Damn my freaky strong maternal instincts!!
  •  Finally, come on, who doesn't love a big mug of hot vegetable stew with soy nuggets on a crisp fall evening??? It is one of my FAVORITE THINGS!
Part Two:
Ok, since I made Part One freakishly long and the likeliness that anyone is still reading this is slime how about we leave Part Two for tomorrow night?
Sound good?
I thought so.

*"salad shooter" was a lovely nickname given to me by those red-meat-eating-farm-boys because I was a vegetarian. Which to them meant eating only salad, grass and the bark off trees. Which meant, ahem, diarrhea. Get it? Salad Shooter. Told you it was a lovely nickname. I'm so lucky.