Tuesday, June 21, 2011


I want to tell you a story.
A story of courage, determination and triumph.
 A true underdog tale.

No, no, no. Not that Underdog. Sillys. Though, I do feel compelled to address the super saggy gut Underdog has. What's going on there??
I'm getting distracted.
On to my Underdog story.

Still no. My story will pull at the heartstrings. It can even make a grown man cry. It's triumph against all odds. Can the movie RUDY make such a claim?? (heehee)


This moving tale took place in my front yard just a few hours earlier.
It is about

An inflatable slide (the villain)

In case you're concerned the boy isn't actually headless. Oh, and that is my sister's foot. The slide tried to kill her and she narrowly escaped. See? Villain.


Amanda (the heroine)

See how innocent & demure looking I am? I'm even wearing an angel necklace (thank you Luna!) which could only mean I'm angelic. Plus! Sepia is my natural color, so obviously I'm a minority. The odds are already against me!

Today the children decided they were no longer going to wait for summer, 78 degrees is warm enough!
So out came the inflatable slide and goosebumps.
The day was filled with children's laughter, shrill screams and splashes.
It was a merry end to our extended weekend.
But the day was growing dark and I was growing anxious.
(Seriously. It's a type of flower and I was growing it in my- yeeaaa, that was pretty lame.)
Because, as everyone knows, an inflatable slide only keeps up its facade of being a fun toy for children during the day.
 But after the sun goes down and the witching hour begins its true identity is revealed!

Duhn duhn duuuuuh!
Cue sinister music. 
*shudders* Admit it, that is freaking terrifying!
In case any of you are insane and want onehttp://www.partyexpressoutlet.com/inflatables.htm

From 3 AM until sunrise its reign of terror will wreak havoc on the unsuspecting neighborhood.
More specifically the grass underneath it.
I had no choice. I had to put it away, tonight.
After quickly shooing the children away (they didn't need to see what would happen next) I unplugged the shape shifting slide and jumped back. This angered it greatly, it weaved back and forth in a threatening manner, hissing at me.
But I could see it also was weakened.
With a menacing whisper it gave me a warning: "If you put me in that Rubbermaid container while I'm wet I'll grow colonies of mildew and mold that you'll NEVER RID ME OF!!"
I gasped.
The children would never forgive me. I checked my watch, (Actually I don't wear a watch, I checked my phone. But saying 'I checked my watch' still is the universal way of saying 'I checked the time' so I used watch in this instance. Aaand I seem to have gone off on a tangent. My apologies. ) I still had time.
 But I had to work fast!
I grabbed a towel and went to work. The slide writhed in my grip. When I tried to dry a spot it'd fall limp, making it nearly impossible. Then it would taunt me by saying, "You missed a spot." "Mold!" "Mildew!" "Slime that'll smell like FISH!" I gritted my teeth. I wouldn't let its torments get to me.
I had to be strong.
For the children. But more importantly, for the grass.
After I was satisfied it was thoroughly dried I heard the slide snicker.
 I knew why.
The battle had barely begun and already I was exhausted from drying it. I stared down at the slide, hoping I'd intimidate it and not let on I was trying to catch my breath.
"Please," the slide said. "I know you're in no condition to fight me." It was going to prey on my weaknesses. "How's your foot?" It asked me. "It's fine." It wasn't. (My previous post tells that story.) "What about that nasty cough you had, do you think your lungs will hold up?"
 I crossed my arms. "Of course." I wasn't so sure.
 "Fine," it said, "bring it!"
So I brought it.
I started at its pool end. That is where it is weakest. I folded it over twice and began to roll it.
The slide rolled its eyes.
It unfolded itself. It pushed out, loosening the roll. It sucked in air making unwanted air pockets.
But I persevered.
I yanked back on it and tucked and rolled it even tighter.
I was nearing the slide portion.
I gulped.
I knelt on the roll and wiped at the sweat forming on my brow.
"You don't have what it takes," the slide said.
"Yes. I. DO!"
I started using my fists to tuck in the folds. I grabbed at the air pockets and slammed them down then shoved them into the roll.
"Stop it! I could tear. What would the children say?"
Empty threats. It had realized it had underestimated me.
The stairs and canopy were coming up.
Both of us knew it was DO or DIE.
The slide ballooned up.
I jumped onto the roll, holding it in place.
"You're not rolling me tight enough! I'll never fit in that Rubbermaid," it mocked.
"I'll make you fit!" I screamed.
With my knees on the roll I threw my upper body onto its puffed up remains.
I heard it hiss as it ballooned out on either side of me.
I punched at it.
It hit back.
The battle was epic and if any neighbors were out they would have witnessed a miraculous show of will.
(Or possibly just a show.)
We were in a brutal grappling match.
Punch. Tuck. Roll. Body Slam.
Pull. Yank. Twist.
I had burns on my cheek and arms from its rough material.
Grass and dirt was on my shirt. My hair was falling from my ponytail. The back pocket of my jeans was on my left hip. (Read pants were twisted.)
But a smile was on my face.
I sat on top of the roll as I listened to its last breath come out in a wheeze.
And with the last of my strength I heaved it into the Rubbermaid container and slammed its air pump on top of it.
Only when the lid clicked in place did I let myself cave to my exhaustion.
I waited for the cheers.
The pats on my back for beating the odds.
They didn't come.
"Mom?" I turned to see my boys and their friend behind me. "Andy (name changed to protect the "innocent".) is going to spend the night tonight, ok?" I nodded.

 "Oh, and you're going to put the slide up tomorrow, right?"

So, are all of you awed and moved??
*crickets chirp*
Fine then, go watch your RUDY!

Have any of you been bested by an inanimate object?
Ok, what about when you're writing, have any of you been harassed by one of your characters whenever he/she is not in the scene? Making it difficult to concentrate because he or she is jumping up and down saying, "Me! Me! Write about me! I'm not in this, why aren't I in this scene?!"
Still no?
I guess it's just me then.