Monday, February 28, 2011

I'm a liar and people still reward me.

This will be a Two Part Post.
Part One:


So, first I need to reveal a little something about myself I didn't reveal in my previous post.
Logic has never come naturally to me.
This was especially true in my childhood years. Every event was just another crazy adventure in:
~Amanda Land.~ 
I'm sure this is probably true for most writers. But I thought this would help explain my post. By all accounts my last post was completely true except for one lie. If some things seemed far fetched to you, remember it was my teenage interpretation. Yes, I had a WILD imagination.


  • QUIRK: Yep, I talk to animals. Present tense. I also talk to inanimate objects. Sadly, objects and animals don't always talk back. I guess they have a tendency to be shy. Before high school I would swear to you they DID talk back. Though...lots of things talked to me. But that's a whole other post-
  • I was a member of the FFA. And I did just join for the animal aspect but I enjoyed it thoroughly even if I was the only "tree-hugging", "*salad-shooting" member surrounded by red-meat eating farm boys! ;)
  • ANNOYING HABIT: (according to my parents collecting animals is a less than redeeming quality) Yes, I had two roosters-named Bonnie & Clyde- though I swore one was a girl until she started crowing. I had a goat named El Gigante that we lived in fear of. (Big horns) I had a lamb named Cheecotah who was very forgiving when I was learning the fine art of shearing. And yes, I actually did have a duck but sadly, his time with me was so temporary due to a friend's terrible wolf dog, that I don't remember his name. Dogs, cats and rats don't even complete the list! Guinea Pigs, MICE (wow, did you know they breed like friggin rabbits?!?!), a sparrow, gerbil, hamsters, fish...and the infamous rabbit. LIE: But I have NEVER OWNED A COW.
  • Since the majority of my animals were brought into the family on the sly or rescued from a terrible fate, I was met with the stink eye when I said I wanted a rabbit to show at the fair. This was the reasoning behind the goat and lamb. And of course it was educational since it was through school...but unlike the other FFA students when showing farm animals, when I was approached by a potential buyer for my critters I replied with, "Step away from the GOAT." My parents knew the animals were for keeps.
  • SECRET: I caught a "wild" rabbit. These rabbits were at a public park where they were fed by humans and this particular rabbit was very much with child. So she was pretty slow. There was a sign at the entrance of the park that I chose to ignore, something along the lines of: Please Do NOT take rabbits off premises. 
  • Maybe it was the combined trauma of being captured and having a thunder storm the same night that caused her to go into labor and scatter miniature rabbits all over the bunny enclosure. And mama bunnies have this weird quirk where they feel like eating their babies will protect them from outside dangers. Mama bunny: "Quick my darlings! Back into my tummy before the lightening strikes you all DEAD!" Of course when my young, teenage mind beheld this scene these factors did NOT fit into my logic. No, my logic went more like this: BLOOD! STORM! Obviously this can not be an ordinary bunny! Obviously this is a psychotic, homicidal, cannibalistic, MONSTER BUNNY! (I won't torment us any more with scary, scary bunny pictures. You're welcome.) I think this is one of my BEST CHARACTER TRAITS, my lack of normal logic, because who wants to be normal?? But my family would probably rather see it fit into ANNOYING HABIT CATEGORY.
  • So I will put this into my BEST CHARACTER TRAIT: Yes the rabbit bit me. And even though I knew being bit by this MONSTER RABBIT on a STORMY NIGHT could NOT end well for me. I also knew I couldn't let those little guys meet the same fate as their siblings. All moms are gifted with this character trait, I know, but my maternal instinct is strong to a fault. I protect anything that can not protect itself. I even save spiders. I always root for the underdog. And I save all the small mammals who fall victim to big mammals even when I know it is hopeless and even though I know I will spend the next day or two stressing over how to keep it alive and get attached and then cry when it inevitably dies. Damn my freaky strong maternal instincts!!
  •  Finally, come on, who doesn't love a big mug of hot vegetable stew with soy nuggets on a crisp fall evening??? It is one of my FAVORITE THINGS!
Part Two:
Ok, since I made Part One freakishly long and the likeliness that anyone is still reading this is slime how about we leave Part Two for tomorrow night?
Sound good?
I thought so.

*"salad shooter" was a lovely nickname given to me by those red-meat-eating-farm-boys because I was a vegetarian. Which to them meant eating only salad, grass and the bark off trees. Which meant, ahem, diarrhea. Get it? Salad Shooter. Told you it was a lovely nickname. I'm so lucky.


  1. Haha! I meant to say SLIM in my Part Two post, not SLIME! Lol! But "slime" works to.

  2. Haha, awesome post. Your lie was totally hidden!

  3. I talk to animals (including ants and cockroaches, though the latter I just tell to go away...in less polite words), and also to inanimate objects!! Including leaves and annoying bits of sticky tape that just won't get off my fingers.

  4. I loved your explanations of everything! Favorite part: You thought the chicken was female until it started crowing. I don't know why I got such a kick out of that, but I did. Thanks for the laugh :)

    I had all sorts of pets growing up as well. It was like a zoo in my brother's bedroom. And my guinea pig got out of its cage ALL the time and it would sneak in my bed and chew the corner's of my paperback books. He didn't last long with me. I think I passed him on to some other unfortunate soul :)

  5. Thanks Devin! :-)
    Trisha~Ah ha ha! Exactly!
    Me eyeballing stubborn tape or leaf: Grr, I said get off! Get. Off! *grows increasingly frustrated* Oh my god what is your problem?! Just get off!
    *whines* I don't like you. You suck.
    *worries I hurt leaf or tapes feelings* I'm sorry.

  6. @Michelle~ OMG! It totally blew my mind when she crowed! "She" was so pretty and white and for goodness sake "her" name was Bonnie! Lol! Bonnie had a very masculine crow! And then eventually grew a very masculine coif/crest. ;)
    *gasp!* A book eating guinea pig?? Horror! Haha!

  7. Mental note: eat babies for their own good. Ew/LOL/sad (is there an emoticon for that??) :)

  8. I knew it was the cow! :) Hee Hee!

    I left an award for you at my blog.

  9. @Jolene~ Right? So disturbing! I actually experimented with emoticons and couldn't come up with the perfect blend! ;) Lol! But there really should be one for that.:)
    @Susan~ I should totally announce on my next post that you were the only one to guess it! Lol!

    And I said I would do my second half of my post today and my internet is acting up:( I have been using my phone to leave comments and emails
    today. Ahh, love my awesome phone:)

  10. Hi Amanda. Very detailed explanation :) Nice post.

  11. I was so wrong. Really great post. Enjoyed it very much and looking forward to the second installment.

  12. The pic of the cow...killed me! TY for the giggles.

  13. That cow pick is just wrong. I can't stop looking at it. I talk to animals, plants, my car, you name it. Your lie was well hidden!

  14. LOL, this is such a great reveal (and just too funny for words)!!! Why on earth didn't you blog before now Amanda??? Oh, and have you met The Weed yet? I'm putting you up there with Josh in the humorous post division ;)